WHERE CAN I GO TO GET HELP FOR MY TEEN?
By Mark Gresgton, Founder of Heartlight
There is no worse feeling than watching your child spin out of control and feeling like you can do nothing to stop the rapid descent into a full-fledged crash. Usually parents are caught somewhere between the realization of the problem, and the impending crash. And they are desperately trying to determine what to do as they watch their teens spin out of control and become unmanageable.
If you are currently experiencing that feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, and fear, I would strongly encourage you to act upon your feelings. Talk to someone like other friends, a pastor, youth minister, a counselor, your parents, your other kids, your spouse, a mentor, an accountability group, or your Bible Study group. Right now you need to gain wisdom regarding your situation. Ask for help. And stop at nothing until you find the right answer.
There are three stages you'll go through:
I. REALIZATION: The first stage is accepting what is actually happening within your family. The second stage is one of justification to intervene. And the third stage is the actual action that involves plotting a course and moving to pull your child out of the “dive” you are currently watching. Allow me to briefly address all three.
Accepting the reality of the problem is difficult for some parents. Many just can’t acknowledge or recognize the severity of the problem. Parents who “only see the good”, “hope for the best”, and “believe no wrong” are usually blind to what everyone around them can already see. Admittedly, it’s sometimes difficult to see the downward spiral. Just as it’s difficult to see how much your child has grown over a period of months. Kids you haven’t seen in months seem to appear so much taller than the last time you saw them. Adults that you haven’t seen in a while appear so much older. But those that live with them don’t see it. It’s the same thing when a child spins out of control. It’s usually (but not always) a gradual and unnoticeable turn that isn’t accepted until a crisis or tragedy. Friends, neighbors, and those around you see it, and perhaps don’t know how to convince you of something you don’t see. So when you come to your “realization”, don’t hesitate to go to those around you for counsel. They know what’s going on.
II. INTERVENTION: That forms the foundation to the second stage, justification to intervene. I believe each one (friends, family, neighbors, and colleagues) will agree with your decision to intervene in some way. It is in this second stage that they will believe you are justified in your decisions, encouraging you to do something. You will need this support as you take the next step.
III. ACTION: For, the third stage is a little lonelier, especially if you have to remove your child from the home. Most parents that I come into contact with mention that when the decision came down to removing their child from the home, they felt quite isolated, and even excommunicated. The third stage of taking action is a painful stage and most people avoid pain, avoid situations that make them feel pain, and avoid agreeing with anything that would cause pain. Friends will describe your situation to others as a sad time, a painful time, and as a time they hope they don’t have to go through with their children. And they will describe your situation this way, because it is true.
Don’t you wish that this situation wasn’t at your doorstep? I would. But it is. And you have to act. You have to do something on your child’s behalf. And no matter how lonely it might be, or how difficult it might appear, and no matter what the response of your child will be, you must act. And act quickly.
An out of control teen is one who doesn’t appear to have the internal ability to function externally within and under the established boundaries and rules of a home. And the resulting behaviors, if allowed to continue, could have some dangerous or grave consequences with any attempt by family to stop the behaviors being fruitless.
Regardless of the reason behind the behavior, intervention is necessary, and a course of action will need to be taken to protect the child and deal with the issues that lead to the behavior. I’m sure that by this time, you have had plenty of conversations with your child addressing the concerns that you have. Perhaps even implementing boundaries and helping your child understand consequences. If you haven’t, then I suggest that you do so quickly.
If you’re reading this and have a child who is currently spinning out of control, then it is pretty hard to just sit back and hear concepts without any practical suggestions while you’re in the midst of your struggle. So let me give some quick guidance.
1. Don’t be afraid to ask questions of yourself and your child. Most of the time, parents find out way too late about a child’s behavior to be able to deal effectively with their inappropriate actions or to establish some type of consequence to remedy any future similar action. Communication is key at this time. If the lines of communication are down, then re-establish them€”forcing that communication if need be. It may be that you have to require time from your child to discuss how they’re doing before you pay their next car insurance bill, or before you give them gas money, or before you hand over the keys to the car. Be determined to establish the lines of communications and make sure you ask questions.
2. Know what you’ll allow in your home and what you won’t. I encourage families to develop their home’s Belief System€”a way to determine what you hold to be true and the principles upon which you will base your rules for living and the consequences for violation of those rules. Your home would then be governed by what you believe in and have agreed to, rather than “shooting from the hip” every time something comes up that you haven’t discussed. It’s a policy and procedure manual for your home. Spend some time determining how you want to live and put some feet to it to insure that all understand those boundaries.
3. There must be consequences for inappropriate behavior, without exception. As parents, we are so relational that often we are unable to do what is needed to send a strong message to our kids to “not go this way” for fear of losing a relationship with them. Sadly, most parents don’t understand that most kids want direction, correction, and help moving through the transition to adulthood. Tom Landry once said, “A coach makes people do things they don’t want to do so they can get to a place where they do want to be.” Parents must do the same for their children.
4. There are times when a child might need to leave the home and be placed in a program to help change their behaviors. This option should be exercised to provide your child help to get through some difficult situations, and correct their thinking and resulting behaviors. It’s a “last ditch” effort when all other options and attempts at helping your child have been exhausted.
At some point, when all has failed, you are the one that will need to make some decisions about the next step. It’s at that point that it really doesn’t matter what your child thinks as it’s evident that he/she is not thinking well. And no one would accept their bungled assessment of the situation or their messed up judgment anyway.
When that time comes, remember, it is not about you. This is not the time to spend mulling over where everything has gone wrong. It’s not a time to shift the blame, make accusation, question motives, or withdraw and disengage from your child. It’s a time for action, that if not taken will mean your child could damage his life and possibly make choices that can have grave consequences. It’s not a time to spend determining if you are a failure as a parent, but it is a time to make sure that you don’t fail in your attempt to help your child at a time when he or she needs you most.
Where to go from here...
Often parents will struggle trying to determine if their child needs help. Here are some practical questions that will help you assess the situation.
Has your child’s behavior deteriorated in the last six months? What makes you think that it won’t continue to get worse over the next six months? Did you expect that you would be “here?” What makes you think you won’t be “there” in six months? If your child has acted increasingly inappropriately in the last six months, what makes you think that more inappropriate behaviors won’t come to the surface in the next six months? If this is your situation, in East Texas terms, it’s time to wake up and smell the bacon. It’s time to have someone turn your light’s on. It’s time.
Your first line of offense with your out of control teen is to utilize the resources around you. Hopefully, this first line will ward off any further difficulty and will pull your child out of their dive. That first line might include your child’s teachers, the school administration, a Sunday school teacher, other parents of kids at church, your pastor, your parents, your siblings, your friends, your Bible study group, a counseling hot line, the older couple down the street, a youth minister, a Young Life leader, just about anyone who has had contact with your child. Even his or her friends. In fact, if your teens friends show up at your home, don’t be afraid to ask them what’s going on. Some won’t be afraid to answer, as they might be just as concerned as well. Just make sure you ask questions, and ask people to be honest with you.
Voltaire once said “Common sense is not so common.” –Voltaire
“He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.” –Chinese Proverb
“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” Proverbs 15:22 (NIV)
After you’ve had time to get counsel (hopefully from quite a few people) and you’ve had some time to think it through, start to put your plan into action. Perhaps your child needs to go to counseling. If so, then put that requirement into your rules or Belief System at home. And if the counselor determines that your child needs some type of medication, then trust what the counselor is saying and go see a psychiatrist that understands teens and their issues. I would try to surround myself with people that I trust, so that when I ask for their counsel and they don’t tell me what I want to hear, I trust them anyway.
If you’re going to trust your counselor, then TRUST them. But if you’re going to pick and choose the counsel you receive, then you’ll more than likely just continue to do what you want, and your child will continue to spin out of control. Don’t let old beliefs about medicine control your new decisions that have to be made for your child. If your child is depressed, A.D.D., hyperactive, can’t sleep at night, bi-polar, overly anxious, or has a mental condition that demands medication, don’t let your outdated boundaries prevent your child from getting your child help from something that is essential to their well being.
Hospitalization is needed whenever you feel like your child is a danger to himself or herself, or you feel an overwhelming sense of impending doom and need to have your child protected. Extreme cutting, bizarre behavior, extreme depression, suicidal thoughts, or excessive drug or alcohol use are just a few of the symptoms that might warrant hospitalization. Don’t hesitate to hospitalize your child just because you don’t know what it is. It’s better to be safe than sorry.
If all your efforts are fruitless and you begin to see that your child is not responding to any of these “at home” or even counseling interventions, then I would suggest that it is time to consider placing your teen in an alternative therapeutic peogram for a time. No doubt, this will be one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever have to make. Having a child leave home is not an easy decision, nor is it a small task. But once the decision is made, the search for the right placement can begin.