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Why a Therapeutic Boarding School?

If you don’t act, your child will continue to spiral out of control and could possibly loose his/her life in the process. One statement I hear from kids and from their parents over and over is this: “If I (they) didn’t come to Heartlight, I think I would have been dead by now”. It’s a harsh reality to send a child off to be cared for elsewhere. But that reality pales when you consider the possibilities or outcomes of your child’s current behavior and how such behavior could ruin his or her life. What you are doing is saving your child’s life, giving him or her something that can’t be found in the current home setting. You are loving them in a way that perhaps you haven’t loved them before. It’s tough. But it’s a good decision to make if it’s going to save your child. Would you ever hesitate to throw a life buoy to your child if they were drowning?

Might I add a word of caution here? At times, when a child is behaving inappropriately, out of control, being disrespectful, disobedient, and dishonest; and has moved to a point where you’re finding that you might not like your child too much right now, please watch the way that you respond. Because the way that you respond to all that is happening within your family may elevate the problems, and cause your child to over-react to your response. Here are some things to remember while you go through this strenuous time with your child.

First, don’t act out of anger.

One of the greatest disappointments that a parent may have is watching their child ignore and violate all they have been taught. Because of parent’s good longings for their child, it’s easy for anyone to become disappointed, discouraged, and downright mad about a child who is choosing to do some things that are against everything a family stands for. It’s okay to be mad, just don’t act out of that anger. Remember the Scripture, Ephesians 4:26 “In your anger do not sin.” (NIV) And, Proverbs 29:22 “An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins.” (NIV)

Take a breath. Let the situation “sink in”. And don’t use your first swing. Contrary to what golfers tell me, my first swing is not always the best. James 1:19 states, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ” Great words. Step back and think the situation through. Don’t let your child’s problem now create new ones or become your problem.

Second, don’t get physical.

Keep it verbal. When it gets hot, get cool. When it steams toward aggression, take a break. Defend yourself, but don’t strike out. Restrain when needed, but don’t intentionally inflict. And there are a couple of reasons for this. Here they are. Anything physical has a way of damaging a child to the point that you will never regain what you have just lost. Never. So make the decision right now that you will never allow yourself to get to the point of allowing yourself to become physical. And if you don’t think that you can keep yourself from that, then don’t even enter the conflict because there’s a second part of this. If you strike your child, the harsh reality of it that you could serve time, and I’m not talking about a mission project in Mexico. I’m talking about the kind of time that ruins lives. The adrenaline of the moment is not worth a loss of a lifetime. Another point here needs to be addressed. If you child chooses to get physical, with you or other family members; make a decision today what you will do in that circumstance. I tell all the young people that live with us that if they are ever physical with our staff, the sheriff or police will be called and they will be arrested. Period. You can’t get physical without some consequences. You or your teen.

Thirdly, don’t ignore what is happening in your family hoping that it will just go away, or think that the problems will disappear when your child turns 18.

They are happening at this time for a reason. If God’s timing is perfect, then take advantage of the time, and do what you need to do, even if it means finding out what you are supposed to do during this time.

And fourthly, know that this time will one day be over.

Like the realization that your headache you’ve felt is gone, so this conflict or struggle will be one day. 2 Corinthians 4:17 states, “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” I would put an emphasis on “momentary”. This struggle may last a while, but it won’t last long.

And whenever you do have a struggle, it’s never at the right time. But it is at this time for a reason. And how you handle the struggle, respond, and behave in the midst, will sometimes determine how long you’ll be in the struggle. You think that Lord is going to limit His teaching to your teen during this time? I bet not.

When Did Other Parents Know it Was Time to Get Help?

As we have worked with parents across the country, it’s clear that each has realized the need to take action in a number of different ways. What is common is that the progression is usually the same: They come to the stark reality that their situation with their teen is out of control, their attempts to help aren’t working, and come to the conclusion that their predicament demands immediate attention.

A while back I asked families that were currently with us at Heartlight to complete this sentence. “I knew my child was spinning out of control when...?” Here is a list of their responses when they knew they could no longer handle the situation and needed to place their child with us:

“We knew it was time because everything got crazy. We received the cell phone bill that listed daily phone calls from 1-3 am and her only response was 'so what?’ She started running away and said that her 2 year old sister unlocked all the downstairs windows so she could sneak back in late at night. She was out of control when she told me I was was nuts because the brand new shoes I bought for an anniversary cruise were suddenly missing, after she told me how “hot” they were and all her friends wanted them. I can go on and on, the list never quits. We were helpless.”

“Someone asked me how I knew my child was lying to me and my response was 'because her mouth was moving.’ I then acted upon what I already knew, and accepted that something had to change.”

“I knew my child was spinning out of control when our entire family was being controlled by her behavior. My marriage was failing, my relationship with my older daughter was suffering, I wasn’t eating, sleeping, or able to perform well at work. I was beginning to withdraw from social settings as well and felt like my family was falling apart. Every option I tried had failed.”

“I knew my child was spinning out of control when she stopped smiling and refused to get up and go to school.”

“I knew that Sarah was spinning out of control when her attitude changed after starting public high school, after being in a private Christian school. She and I were arguing a lot more, was more defiant, and began hanging out with a different group of kids, who I later found out were experimenting with drugs and alcohol.”

“I knew my child was spinning out of control when he got just as physical as he was verbal!”

“We knew it was time when we saw a drastic change in his friends to a pretty rough crew. That’s when his attitude towards us as parents did a “180-degree” change overnight, and he began to hate everything we said or did.”

“Two things happened simultaneously that pointed us towards seeking other help. First, her cutting and her obsession with killing herself in order to go to Heaven to be with her dad, had begun to be such that I was afraid to leave her alone for any length of time She was a sad little girl. She was meeting with seeing a therapist and a variety of people - her youth minister, Sunday school teacher, school counselor, other school personnel and family members - - were all taking extra time with her and pouring their lives into her. All of these “interventions” weren’t effective. One night she came right out and said, 'I need more help. I have no more desire to live or stop cutting than I did before everyone started helping me. I just want to die; I don’t like feeling this way.'"

“I knew my daughter was spinning out of control when I realized I had exhausted all of the parental tools I had to control the direction of her life.”

“I knew something had to change because the dialogue between us was nothing more than her two word answers. The first word began with an “f” and the second word was “you.”

“Rebecca just couldn’t get on the other side of her dad’s death. Her depression was now in control. She wanted help more than I wanted it for her and begged me to find her a place where she could get it.”

“When Lauren looked me in the eye and said “I’m going to do whatever I want and there isn’t an F%$#@ thing you can do about it!”

“I knew it was time when Mark was arrested three times in three months for possession of marijuana, and chose to go to juvenile detention center on his own volition rather than come home and be under house arrest. He had violated the plan that we had set in place and communicated, and knew that if he defied me again, he was going to have to leave. The situation was tough, ..the decision was easy, as he made it for me.”

“We knew our son was not responding to all of our efforts to help him when he ran away from home for the second time and was brought home by the local police. Our efforts at changing schools and participating in family counseling with him for the previous four months weren’t helping, and our counselor recommended we find a different place for him to live.”

“When she started cutting herself and continued to cut school even in the face of probation from the D.A.’s office.”

“I knew my child was spinning out of control when I looked into his big brown eyes and the spark that had always been there was gone, .all I saw was a look of hopelessness and darkness, .a silent crying out for help. I knew it was time to search for something or someone to help bring that spark of light and hope back into my son’s eyes.”

“My son is out control. Disrespectful, to his parents, his sisters, his teachers, to his step-parents. He is abusive, verbally and possibly physically to his girlfriends. He leaves school when he wants, is getting suspended. Wants to do what he wants, when he wants, with whom he wants.”

“When my son looked at my wife and said to her “If you don’t shut your mouth, I’ll shut if for you.”

“I knew my child was spinning out of control when we were calling the police several times a week. Not knowing if or when she was coming home. We never knew who she was with or where she was. The police told us to do something now or things will only get worse.”

“When my daughter came into my bedroom late one night after we had gone to bed and was crying and said, “Mom & Dad, I need help.”

“I knew we had to do something when our son was ignoring everything we said, did everything we didn’t want him to do, said nasty things we never thought would come out of his mouth, and said that we all just needed to “F” off.”

Not exactly the place that any of these parents thought they would be with their teens, but a place that they accepted and then acted upon to get the help to their teen that was needed. Maybe some of their realizations struck a chord with you or affirms the need for a change with your son or daughter. If it does, my encouragement would be to act quickly.

Time is on our side only if we take advantage of it, and don’t bury our heads in the sand and act as if nothing is wrong. I would couple this comment with the harsh reality that I have come to that most parents live in denial, (which ain’t just a river in Egypt). And that denial portrays that there isn’t anything wrong, or even possibly wrong.

There are times that parents get so used to something that is broken, that they don’t realize that something is damaged, and may be in the process of being destroyed. At other times, parents become numb to what’s really happening in their family. Instead of making changes to solve the problems, they adjust their way of living to the problem, which will eventually show itself at a later time.

When It’s Time to Send Your Child to a Program.

The following check list includes some of the behaviors that I have observed throughout the years that would reveal the possible need of to place a child outside a home and all attempts to correct the situation and/or crisis prove to be unproductive and futile.

When your teen won’t listen to reason and he is becoming increasingly disrespectful, dishonest, and disobedient and openly displays his rebellious actions. When there is physical contact or threats of engaging in physical harm.

When your child has picked up a habit that has engulfed him or her.
When your child is displaying behavior that is a marked change from what has been normal (sleeping longer, forgetfulness, lack of motivation, depression, hating what they once loved and loving what they once hated).
When there is blatant ignoring or profound rebellion towards your boundaries, Belief System, or rules of the home. This can be shown in passive aggressiveness or open defiance.
When your child is becoming verbally aggressive and extremely disrespectful to the extent that you feel a sense of fear in your discussions or arguments with your teen.
When your teen is depressed to the point that there is an inability to function within normal requests at home.
When your child has no conscience about his or her actions, the consequences, or the affect on themselves or other family members.
When suicidal thoughts and comments have entered your child’s thinking process and there are threats as such.
When treatment of people, things, pets, belongings, or positions, are threatening, overly unruly, or out of control.
When disrespect moves to a complete disregard for anything that you as a parent have to say and your child’s resulting behaviors put him or her in danger or at high risk.
When post traumatic behaviors of drinking, drugging, acting out, or sexually promiscuity are present.
When your teen thinks he or she is the center of your family, and their continued disregard for others in the family is causing strife, sleepless nights, is degrading to other siblings, or actions are spinning out of control at such a pace that you can’t get a hold of the spiral to stop it.

A Tough Discussion About Living at Home

There are those times when the situation at home with your teen deteriorates and everything you’ve tried doesn’t work. You will be faced with two separate decisions. The first is whether your child can remain at home. The second is whether your child will go to a program or just be asked to leave your home, depending on your child’s age.

The message to a child that must be given when all attempts have failed in correcting a situation is this.

“Your mother and I want you to be at home. We love you, we care for you, and we want the best for you, and will not stop short of providing that. We will also not sit back and watch you destroy yourself as long as we have a say in your life. When you’re 18, you will be able to choose to do what you want, and we will be able to determine whether we will continue to support you. But until that time, we can’t allow this type of behavior to continue in our home. And if it does, then you will not be able to live at home.”

Initially a child response to this type of conversation, especially after it follows many intense crisis moments, will be “Okay, I’ll leave”. But seldom, do they. Given time to think through what they have been told, and absorb the shock that they have been asked to leave home because of their behavior, they usually back down and determine that it would be a much easier life to stay at home than to be out on their own. If they’re under 17, state laws may prevent you from kicking them out. I would check with local officials about your responsibilities to your teens in your state.

In your initial discussion with your child, let them know that they are the one that will determine whether they will live at home or not. And that determination will simply be based on whether they can abide by the rules of the home. And if they can’t, then they can’t live at home any more. Hopefully during this initial conversation you’ll be able to share concerns with them. It’s a time to remind them of your home’s Belief System. Or it may be time to share with them your new rules. Neither will go over well as it will either be understood as a reminder that they’re screwing up or an installation of rules that they don’t want to live by. Either way, it’s not going to be an easy conversation. If you can get them to agree to stop the behavior, then you’ve had a great meeting.

I would suggest that you inform them that their decision to stay begins at that moment and any violation of these particular issues (whatever you deem those issues to be), will mean that he or she is choosing to not live at home any more. If asked what the alternatives are, I would let them know. I would share the alternatives this way:

“If you run away, then we will file a missing person’s report with the local authorities, and when they find you, you will be taken to either a wilderness camp or a residential facility. We will not allow you to live with friends, relatives, or continue to go to school in this area. So it’s either home or a wilderness camp. If you leave, you will loose your car, your insurance, everything that we pay for (cell phone, athletic facility, allowance, clothing, etc). If you leave we will not pay for college, and will not be giving you any money. Anything that we’ve paid for will remain in our home. You are not entitled to anything in this home.”

See where the conversation is headed? Your goal is to build some walls around your teen so that he will begin to understand what he will loose should he choose unwisely. This is part of love where you stand in “front of them” and try to keep them from continuing in the direction they are going. This is the part of working with or living amidst a struggling teen that calls for a deep understanding of love that isn’t afraid of pain, isn’t afraid of giving them control (you decide what you want to do, and I will decide what I will do), and encourages them to make some wise, mature, and hopefully responsible decisions.

“And if you’re going to stay at home, it is going to be this way. We are not going to live as we have. And if what we’re doing doesn’t work to stop the inappropriate behaviors, then you are choosing to be placed where something will hopefully work.”

“If you choose to run away, when you are found, you will be taken to a program. If you don’t go peacefully, then there is a transport service that will find you and pick you up and take you. You choose. It’s your decision. But make no mistake; I will do what I have to do to keep you from going to a place in life that will destroy you.”

“Son, Sweetheart, I want you to think about all of this. We’re tired of fighting. If you need help we’ll get it for you. If you want to get on the other side of this stuff that is behind all the behavior, we will sell everything to make that happen. If you can live by the rules of the home, then we want you here. If you can’t, then we don’t. Doesn’t mean that we don’t love you, we do. But we will not participate in helping you destroy your life, and ruin our family in the process. I want you to think about all that’s been said, and let’s talk tomorrow.”

You are setting up some parameters, boundaries, and rules for your child to live by. And you are giving them the control of the choice and the decision where they are going to live. It’s not an easy conversation, but it’s an essential one. And while you may not know how they are going to respond, know that they will, so be prepared for any response that they may give.

Parents ask, “What if they run away?” If they do, they are sealing the deal about where they need to live, and it usually isn’t home. Their running away is an indicator of their current inability to think and use their head. What they are doing is answering your question of what they want to do. At that moment you must be prepared to act, put into action the plan to locate them, and have them taken to a place that can help them.

As hard as it is to have a child leave home, parents tell me with a bittersweet accent that “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I’d do it again,” or, “I hope we never have to go through this again, but I would,” or, “I felt like such a failure and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I am being successful in helping my child.” Loving your child when there is no crisis is an easy thing. Loving them when you have to fight for the good in them while they are doing bad things is a whole different level of love. And one that will not be easily forgotten.

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